So, I feel like it may be a little more interesting to let you guys know what's going on in my life. I feel a much better connection to artists I like when there's somewhat of a personal connection there. I learned from twitter, that it's now possible to do that. But anyway, that's what I intend to do by blogging about what's going on in my head, in my music life, and my views on things. Basically like a journal. I've always liked to write, I would love to finish writing some stories I started when I was a kid. Things like that are so hard to do when you have so much on your plate. For instance, I'm an active duty Army soldier. That definitely gets in the way. When I graduated High School, I had dreams of going to college for music and eventually getting a doctorate in music performance and education. I didn’t want the college for the sake of the job, but for me to have all the knowledge of music possible. Before I continue I want to say that I’m not looking for sympathy or anything like that for what I might say in the future on here. But continuing on, I thought that was a simple plan, I didn’t think I was asking for much. My whole life had pretty much sucked up until that point. But I always had my music to escape from reality. Before I had the music, I had drawing.
I went from being neglected by my drug addict mother and being taken away by the state, to never knowing who my family was, only being told lies, and finding attention other places from feeling unloved as a young girl and thinking that abuse was me being loved, to living with my mother again and living with her abuse. And her always being drunk or high, cursing me out, calling me stupid, stealing my money, never home otherwise and being miserable. That life was rough. Not to mention, I was in Philly when I started living with her, where I quickly succumbed to the peer pressure. There were always guns, drugs, and prostitution everywhere. After learning from the initial mistakes I made when I moved to Philly, I chose to be a better person. I had a job since it was legal to do so, and I was on my own a lot. I never had that close person to talk to. I never really had a good person to look up to that wasn’t a famous icon or someone like that. I basically used everyone around me to figure out what not to do. That’s why I’m so persistent on waiting to have children until I can take good care of them. I also want to adopt, as my 2 younger sisters were adopted (my biological mother neglected all 3 of her children). I would love to give some children a great life with love and smiles, and just see their faces glow when I pick them up from school. That will be the happiest moment of my life when I see my future children smile. But I’m getting off track a bit.
All the neighborhood kids I came in contact with after I learned that previously mentioned lesson, I would tell them that drugs are bad, they shouldn’t drink or deal drugs, they should do good in school, and work hard on whatever activities they were good at. I tried to help everyone I came in contact with to make themselves a more positive person, that they could have a good future. Although my life was crappy, I still stayed positive. When I graduated high school, I just wanted to get out of the crap that I was in. I was always optimistic that tomorrow would be better than the day I was in. By that time, the group I was in “Tabernacle of Prayze” had just put out an album, so I decided to go to the local community college to keep the group together. That decision quickly disintegrated since the group broke up soon after. I hated being there in Philly, stuck with my mom, knowing that I couldn’t afford rent and college. So when the group broke up, I transferred colleges.
I started going to a Christian College, where the whole time I was fighting for state funds that were nonexistent. I didn’t realize that Christian colleges aren’t state funded and that was a battle that I wasn’t going to win. I had fun playing in the praise teams and stuff there, but I applied for just about every job there and could not find one. I wound up working in the cafeteria cleaning up after hours, but those hours weren’t even worth going. There was no way I could continue at that school, so another semester, another college. Liberty University advertised a lot of scholarship money so I decided to go there. I chose Christian colleges as a way to get out of the negative environment I was in before. I needed a break from it. Liberty sort of worked, I was 1st chair in their jazz band, but I could barely make the payments to the school and for rent. Plus I was failing classes and at some points I was living with other people out of the kindness of their hearts or sleeping in the computer lab. At some points I was working 3 and 4 jobs. It was rough so when I left for a paid summer internship for music, a buddy of mine that helped me out a lot at Liberty asked if I wanted to move to Florida with him I just went for it. I got to Florida with the intent to go to University of North Florida after working for a semester or so to save up, but the situation flopped and my buddy had to leave. There I was, stuck in Florida… I was working at Wall-mart by then, since I worked there while I was at Liberty so 2 weeks after being in Florida I was trying to figure out where I could go. I definitely wasn’t going to Philly. It was way too expensive to think about living in Philly, and there was no way I was going to move in with my family, so I joined the Army.
As you can see, all my million billion efforts to go to college were a smack in the face. As soon as I finished my training in the Army, I was in Iraq the next month. In Iraq is where my optimism cracked. I went down in a hole so deep that I just didn’t want to try anymore. There’s a point when you try the same thing so many times and keep getting the same results that you question why you’re trying in the first place. I questioned why I was trying with life in general. If life has been sucking for 21 years straight, then what’s the point in continuing? Why live if you’re miserable the whole time? Those were the questions I was asking myself. I feel like nobody really knows the real me. There has never been any substance in my life. Nobody has known me through all these situations. I’ve always been a loner for the most part so every place I’ve gone has basically been a new life all over again. There’s no way to connect how things have been for me. I went from living in Philly to New Jersey to Philly, to New York, to Virginia to Tennessee to Florida to South Carolina to Georgia to Texas than Iraq and back to Texas. That’s not including all the places I’ve lived in those states.
When I was in Iraq I felt like I needed a break from life. Like usual, I was being screwed in everything and it was stressful just being in Iraq without the other issues that were going on. I was tired but I couldn’t sleep. I was running off of fumes out there. Eventually I was so numb from the world that I wanted to feel something. I wanted to feel anything. I wanted to be connected to the world again. That’s when I went off the deep end and started physically injuring myself. It was basically a reality check even though I could barely feel it. The feeling that no matter how hard I tried or how long I waited I couldn’t get the one simple thing I wanted. I wasn’t asking for riches or fame, nor am I now. I just wanted to pursue my music and get better at it by getting a degree in it. But instead all I had was a bunch of debt, an awful GPA, and misery. My work quality had decreased by then and I wouldn’t talk to anyone, also completely suicidal. I was trying to figure out the best way I could end my life without having other people involved and the easiest way to make it so that it wasn’t suicide. That way it wouldn’t be a sin, it would be an “accident”. Eventually they sent me to Germany so I could start my long string of Psych wards. I’ve been back in the states for over a year now and I am much better now. It actually helps writing these thoughts out like this. When you talk to people about this type of thing, all your thoughts don’t get expressed. It’s so easy to get tongue tied and forget to say things. Also, not having anyone to talk to about it besides doctors and counselors doesn’t help much. I’m married now, I didn’t know him long before we wedded but I felt like he was the only one who genuinely cared about me. Even talking to him about this time of thing is difficult. He knows and it’s just not one of those conversations that comes up. Hopefully someone will read my blogs and respond, but if not, I’m still going to continue writing. Maybe I can help someone else who reads my blogs.
Until next time…
Hey everyone. I am so excited about this next CD that I'm putting out. It will be entitled, "Caring is an Option" and is ALL original songs. I'm still working out the kinks and will be getting some photography done for the booklet soon. Thanks for checking in.
If you guys have any ideas on how to get the word out on my music, let me know. Before joining the Army, playing gigs constantly and keeping contacts was easy! Now since being off the scene for so long; basic training, AIT, Iraq... I've lost a lot of my contacts and don't have as much gig time anymore. That's why I have been focusing on the business aspect of my music. I have created a music logo and trademarked it, created my music business (After Dark Music LLC), had shirts made, invested in more instruments, music production software and hardware, websites, disk duplicater, CDs, cases, stickers, and business cards. All this has been helpful in the production of new beats and new songs. The only problem there is that it has made me more of a loner musician with the lack of stability being in the Army. I don't have too much longer in the Army now, and have already made plans to stay in the area, to keep my contacts that I make from hereon continue to be usable. With all that said, it's time for me to make a come back, and get back into the business of gigging non-stop and therefore selling CDs and merchandise, allowing more people to know about the musician I am. I want everyone to be able to enjoy my music. It's not fair that the people that appreciate this type of music can't here mine only because they don't know about it. I'm asking for your help. Lets get the word out about Kayla Jazzmin!
